So I've been really down lately, over many things but the main one seems to be that I've never actually had a real friend in my whole life. I see people with friends but what is that like, how does it feel? I don't even know how to interact with people. I've never had anyone I do stuff with, confide in, joke with or laugh together with. It seems that I could have had some friends when I was younger, playing with a couple neighborhood girls but then they went to school and I didn't. My parents homeschooled me for "religious" reasons. My sister was never very close to me and often just taunted me non-stop. When I was older we had some friends in the homeschooling group and it was assumed that the girl my age would be my "friend" she was like a tomboy and I wasn't, she ditched me every chance she got. I wanted to be in that "group" of junior high computer geeks at church but they were "guys" and I wasn't so other than asking me to fix stuff, now and then, they never talked to me. Wasn't long before I realized that people like the bubbly fun personalities so I started changing mine to fit that, what I found is yeah they loved me when I was bubbly, funny and fun but ignored me when I wasn't. I had to change my personality for work because they wanted that happy bubbly when by nature I'm not, when I can't be that person they throw back at me comments like I'm "untrainable" "defiant" "offensive" and have no second thoughts about saying horrible things to me and then in the next breath say that a different employee who was told that same stuff had been "wronged" They don't feel bad putting me down but they do if it's someone else? WTF! I consistently keep my clients happy at well over 97% excellent feedback. Yet they treat me like I'm a third rate shit and say these bad things? I thought my co-worker was a friend but then she goes to my boss and says bad things about me behind my back, I've worked with her 10years. I don't think I'm a bad person. Apparently the general thoughts of me are "loser" "idiot" "slow" "deaf" and yeah my boss has called me deaf to my face which is offensive. I work with a bunch of over religious, homophobes and THEY are offensive but if I say anything I'm not a team player anymore. I've had a few online friends or I've tried but again when I'm happy and cheerful they stick around but when I'm having a rough time where do they go? What do they do? poof. I have never had a single person offer to help me out in a rough time I do it myself. I do everything myself, by myself everywhere. I'm polite and honest but that doesn't mean jack, no one likes me for just plain me they want fluff, they want lies but I just want to be me. I enjoy the time I know people online or off but it usually is only about a few months then it's gone. Guess it is me, guess I'm shit, no one likes shit, something is wrong with me has to be, somewhere.